Claiming My Own Faith

Written 19 August, 2007

The torment of my tired mind
threatens to twist, bend, and wind
to the point of breaking.
I throw myself at Your feet,
admitting defeat,
ready to empty my heart and mind,
leaving them open for You to fill.

God grant me peace in this storm;
God fill my life with Your love.
God let me not go astray;
may I glorify You in every way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My childhood saw many changes. I saw my best friend, Susan, move away, and my next best friend, Lacey, move to a different church. I saw the pastor of the Family Church leave and a new pastor come. I saw many members of the church leave because they did not like the new pastor, or they liked the old one better. I saw many leave because they did not like the style of music. I never knew where most of them went. I saw some new people come, and I made some new friends. School changed and became more challenging. My brothers became rebellious towards my parents. My parents struggled to deal with them in a loving way. My parents struggled to show each other love. My sisters and I had more arguments and fewer late-night talks. I started having crushes on the guys on my brothers' basketball teams.

I began to learn that God was more than a bunch of cool stories about miracles and interesting people. Growing up with Christian parents, a part of a church, and being home schooled, I heard Sunday school lessons and sermons and songs that all spoke of the message that God was beginning to drive home. I believed it all. I believed that God created everything, and that I was a sinner in need of saving, and Jesus, the Son of God, died for me and rose again so that I could spend eternity in heaven. There was not a doubt in my mind that it was all the truth. But there came a point of realization that this Christianity thing was about more than just believing in God. It was about having a relationship with God. As I grew older, I began to understand this.

High school came around, and I was part of the youth group at the Family Church. Oh the drama! So-and-so-likes-him, and so-and-so-likes her. Who got invited to the pool party at Jimmy's house? Where were we going out to eat after youth group on Wednesday night? Sometimes I am amazed that God did not get completely lost in the shuffle of all the high school drama. I am even more amazed that He chose that time to secure a firm decision from me as to what I would be doing with the rest of my life.

I went to a youth conference called Life 2001. I was fifteen years old, old enough to know what was going on and what I was doing. It was at that conference that I made a clear declaration that what I believed, what I professed, was fully from my own faith, not from the faith of my parents or my friends or my youth group leaders. I decided that the rest of my life would be used to serve God in whatever way He called me to serve. In my heart, I knew that I served an almighty God, a holy God, a righteous, all-powerful God. I was blown away by the realization of Who God is: the I Am.

Up to that point, I had believed, but I had been walking on my parents feet, so-to-speak, in following their faith. I had not stood on my own in my own heart and mind. Once I had taken that first step of walking on my own, God began to grow me. The growth would start slowly at first. But it would quickly pick up speed later on. First I would have to be broken, so that my restoration could begin.