Desiring God

This monologue has nothing to do with John Piper’s book, Desiring God. Or, at least, I am not writing about his words specifically, but I am writing about desiring God. I think I am slowly beginning to learn that what I truly desire is, in fact, God himself. I have spent so much time and energy looking for that one thing I was seeking, that seemingly elusive something that would bring fulfillment and joy. But perhaps the hardest part of my journey has been discovering that what I truly desire is God himself. I have looked for satisfaction in other things, things that looked good, that felt good, that left me smiling even. But they do not satisfy when the one thing you are seeking can only be found in God and in desiring Him. How did I come to this conclusion?

My search probably began the moment I committed my life to following Jesus. Although I do not remember actively seeking, I think there was placed in my heart this desperate desire to be close to God, the One who could dry all my tears and heal all my hurts, who could fill me with unspeakable joy and incomprehensible peace. I’ve gone through my share of being distracted by the things this world offers, and even still am distracted by them. But this is not what this story is about. When I really began to actively seek what I desired, and by that I mean seeking to find out what it was I desired, not to seek the thing I desired, for that I did not yet know, I found myself in a place of confusion.

I grew up in a church that had seen its pews totally full and nearly empty, a change of pastors, and numerous changes of youth pastors, people coming, but mostly people going, and tradition moving out to make room for contemporary. I was six when my family began attending services there. I made friends there. I participated in Sunday school, kids’ choir, and AWANA. I think part of my identity was grafted into me from that church. It was my life outside of home. It was all I wanted. I couldn’t stand the thought of moving away and leaving my friends there, although I watched some of my friends move away. It was my home.

Upon graduating high school, I was essentially kicked out of youth group. I was “too old” to participate in it, and “too young” to help lead it. I did not know what to do with myself. My friends who graduated the same year as I all went away to college. I had no one my age around, and those younger than me were beyond reach in the confines of the youth group I was kept from. I could not identify with the older college and career group, and so I avoided it altogether. I essentially lost my identity, the identity I had formed around my involvement in the youth group and the church. I hung around on Wednesday nights with nothing better to do. Finally a change of youth pastors gave me an opportunity to once again be involved with the youth. But by then I was think I was so lost, so confused, I didn’t know what I wanted anymore.

I didn’t like what I saw in the church. I was disillusioned, looking for the church to give me what I desired. But how could I know it couldn’t deliver when I did not even realize what I wanted most? I could not! So I went seeking for a solution to the church problem. I questioned what the church even was. What was it supposed to be? What was its purpose, its function? I sought answers to these questions, and the person I turned to for help did his best to help me discover the answers to those questions in the Bible. He told me of his own disappointments with the traditional church, and how he had started his own church that tried to do things like the New Testament church. I was hungry for something other than what I’d seen all my life. I heard this other church described as a community, where Christians spent time together and loved each other and kept in touch throughout the week, where relationships were strong and growing. It appealed strongly to me. Looking back, I can understand why. I was desperate for relationships. Having seen my friends move away, and losing the identity I’d built with them and with my involvement with the youth, I felt lost and alone. I wanted a community. I wanted to be part of a church where I felt welcomed and loved. It wasn’t that people at my family’s church didn’t love me or welcome me. I had turned a blind eye to them. I think bitterness and resentment over my pain caused there had hardened me against the love that is in the people there. I just couldn’t see it. I wouldn’t see it. I wanted something else, something new, a group of people who knew nothing about me where I could start afresh. I wanted to be seen as an equal, not a child that had grown up in the church but was still seen as a child.

So much confusion and pain and desire for that elusive something drove me to seek out this church of community. I found myself welcomed in a way that was unlike any other group I had ever been a part of. There is a love for one another among that group that is remarkable. They are a close-knit but diverse group, a family of many shapes and sizes. And there I found relationships that I so desperately wanted. It was there that I found myself able to be myself, not what I thought other people wanted me to be. The identity crisis after high school would not happen again, for I discovered who I am, not just as a human being, but who I am in Christ Jesus. There was healing that took place in that chapter of my life. There was safety and love, but also challenge and opportunity for me to test out my own feet, the feet I had always had, but never really knew how to walk on. It was a time that God used in my growth, despite all the confusion and burning questions in my mind that brought me there.

Of course, I stepped out into that community under the pretext of desiring more of God. And it was true that I did desire God. I was merely looking for the wrong things. I was expecting to find Him in the wrong places. I look back on that time fondly, knowing that the relationships formed there and the lessons learned there are valuable parts of my life. But I had to face a hard decision, and it was then that I began to realize that what I desire most, more than a community, more than friends, more than anything, is God. God called me to leave that church. I sensed that He was closing a chapter of my life to open a new one, and while the change was something uncomfortable, even scary going into the unknown, I knew that it would be even better than the last chapter. I did not want to leave the friends I had there. I did not want to disappoint anyone, or make them feel like I did not care anymore. I am a people pleaser through and through, and it guts me every time I sense disappointment from people towards me. The enemy often uses that to weigh me down with guilt and a false burden. Satan wants me to focus on pleasing people instead of pleasing God. Sometimes he really brings me down low when I don’t live up to people’s expectations of me. It is a lie I have to fight through every day of my life, unless God chooses to free me of it before He takes me home.

Even though it was extremely hard to leave that church, and even though I did face disappointment and disapproval from some people there, I chose to obey the call of God. I know that He is leading me to a place of amazing things, things I cannot even imagine or comprehend. And at the center of all those things is God Himself. He is the One I desire, above all else. If I desire any one thing more than God, it is an idol, and God’s first commandment is to have no other god’s before Him. We are not to make anything more important than He is, or desire anything more than Him. I knew that if I stayed at that church, I would be making it an idol. Community is an amazing thing, but I heard it said that desiring community will destroy community. Our first desire must be for the LORD. We must seek Him first, and not compromise. There are so many things that can bring us enjoyment in this world, but it is temporary enjoyment. And I am learning the importance of casting those things aside for the sake of following Christ with my whole being. I am not meaning to sound self-righteous or proud here. I am merely sharing that I have begun to eliminate certain things from my life which distract me away from God. I know He has great things in store for me. I am looking forward to spending eternity with Him. But here on this earth, in this life, I want to get as close to God as I can. I want to live for Him every day of my life, not wasting the breath He gives me on frivolous pleasures.

This may sound extreme, but why should it be? Why should we settle for less than all of God? Why should we waste our time on things that do not matter to God? When the people of God gather together, why should we designate a small time for God, and then leave the rest for our gossip, complaints, jokes, small talk, sports talk, or whatever it is we do? If we truly desire God more than anything, wouldn’t it make sense that He is the center around which everything else revolves?

Please understand that I have come no where near to putting this into practice myself. I am not saying this to judge anyone in their use of time, for I am just as guilty of using my time for things that have little to no eternal value. But here I share my dream. For my desire is the LORD, and the decisions I make, I make to follow His voice. I beseech you to ask yourself, what are you desiring most? Where is your time and energy going? Are you saying you desire God, and yet really desire something else under the pretext of desiring Him? It is a scary thing to question sometimes. It can bring us to move from a comfortable place to a frightening, unpredictable position. But it is worth it when we move out of a love and desire for God. Are you truly seeking Him every day? Or are you praying a prayer, reading a passage of scripture, going to church and singing a few songs, and then the rest of your days doing what you want, never considering if this is what God wants? And even if you think you are seeking Him, is it really Him that you are seeking?

Ask God to search your heart and show you what you desire most. He promises that those who ask receive, those who seek find, and those who knock, the door will be opened unto them. Seek the will of the Father for the life He has given you.

And thank Him. Thank Him for your every breath, and use that breath to serve Him.

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